Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
That eye roll….
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Squirrels before girls.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.