They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Sponch
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Hank is one in a melon.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.