“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Bruh PLEASE
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.