Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.