E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
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Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Love is in the air fryer.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.