There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’