Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Good morning!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in