friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
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Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
What if the weather talks about us?
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.