[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
You Might Also Like
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no