I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
You Might Also Like
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.