These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
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I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really