In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.