I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Never ghost your hitman.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Oh my God.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees