As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in