Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.