Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
No way!
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Had an epiphany today.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.