I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
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[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
meanwhile over on facebook
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
After 35, your body ages in dog years
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral