ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Netflix and awkward silence?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.