“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Who.
Did.
This?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself