I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.