I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
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Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
You wish you had this many chins.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.