Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.