*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?