“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Beards are a privilege, not a right
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.