THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.