if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?