My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
me doing my best
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.