Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”