The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
🤣😂🤣