Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
You Might Also Like
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
I bet
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
This tweet has been deleted
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.