I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
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If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
absolute chaos
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*