society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
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DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
accurate
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Have a lovely day 😊
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me