HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
You Might Also Like
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I love the honesty
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.