Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Interior design 👌
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE