Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
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[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.