First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
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There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods