If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
vegan witches, happy halloween!
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.