I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.