I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
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*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website