[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri