Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.