Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!