Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner