Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.