[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.