Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.