Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out