[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
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“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”