neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
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Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can鈥檛 find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Apparently I鈥檓 only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I told my 5yo we weren鈥檛 going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 馃彙
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain鈥檛 know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 馃槶馃槶
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?