Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
The old gods are rising again.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.